Conflicting Feelings

I have had many things on my mind the past several weeks and as our move quickly approaches, I suddenly feel a jumble of emotions that I almost don't know how to handle.

You see, two years ago I wasn't in a good place. We had moved here for my husband to begin graduate school and decided to come a few months early so that I could find a job. I did indeed find one, but it was part time and night shift and I was still nursing my second child full time. I wasn't getting any sleep and I was exhausted. I was also a bit resentful toward my husband for a few reasons, which I won't go into, but suffice it to say that I just wasn't altogether too happy to be in Ohio.

I missed my family, I was scared of being in a new place (although then I wouldn't admit that to myself) and I was a little surprised at how "cleaving to my husband" wasn't quite as easy as I had thought it would be. But time passed, he settled into school and I settled into life. We both felt impressed that I should not work anymore and the amount of peace and happiness that came from that decision was exquisite.

Fast forward to now, where I am very comfortable and happy in our life here. We are in the best place in our marriage we have ever been. We have the friends and relationships we have always desired. We found our place and couldn't be happier....except for one thing. We are so far away from family.

When we first moved away, we honestly had no intentions of returning back to the west. Cameron served a full-time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Knoxville, Tennessee and he became addicted to the south. He had intentions to settle in Chattanooga once he was finished with graduate school. I had no preference and was determined to follow him to the ends of the earth, so Chattanooga sounded fine to me.

But as time progressed and as we spent more and more of it away from family, something in us changed, particularly me. I realized how important and what a blessing it is to have family close by. I began to feel called back to the west. It took a little while for Cameron to experience the same calling, but one day he heard it and we have never looked back.

Even with a strong conviction that we are meant to return back west, my heart is split right down the middle. I am all at once elated to be closer to family, to see light at the end of the tunnel and to dream of the life that awaits us; and at the same time I am devastated to leave behind close friends, beautiful scenery, and a house that holds so many tender memories. I count down the days to being reunited with my siblings back home and dread the final days of saying goodbye to my sisters in Ohio.

I walk by this little red house that reminds me so much of my parents' home. It was red for years and for most of my childhood. Every time I walk by it, my heart swells with nostalgia and a longing for home. I rode my bike to the library the other day, with books in a grocery bag and hanging on my handle bars. I was suddenly transported back to the days when I would ride my bike to piano lessons. I am filled with memories of my home and yearn to be back closer to it.

But then I ride my bike to the swimming pool, or take my children to the library, or watch the lightening bugs, or visit with a treasured friend and I long to remain here. I want to continue on and strengthen my relationships with them. I want to continue to serve and be served. I want to continue to be amazed at the love and friendship that I have been blessed with.

And then when I feel that I cannot feel anymore and I don't know what exactly to do with my feelings, I pray to the Lord for comfort. And every time, EVERY TIME, He assures me that we are doing the right thing, that my time here is almost fulfilled and that my mission in Perrysburg is nearly complete. He reminds me that life doesn't end with change, it just begins a new chapter. He whispers peace and comfort to my soul and tells me that all will be well.

Last Sunday, we sang one of my most beloved hymns in sacrament meeting. They hymn is Come, Come Ye Saints. I had chills all over and my eyes welled with tears as I listened to the congregation sing the verses. This particular line struck my heart:

"We'll find the place which God for us prepared, far away in the West"

I know that the Lord has prepared a place for us to settle and begin the next phase of our lives. I know that it won't be easy and that trials will still come our way. I know that I will miss this beautiful place and long to return. I know that I will look back fondly and cherish all of the sweet memories I have made here. I know that some friendships will last throughout the remainder of my earthly life, and some will be resumed in the life hereafter.

But most of all, I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father that has a divine plan for me. I know that He will always provide a way for me to grow and be happy. I know that He is aware of me and wants what is best for me. I know that He will be there every step of the way and I look forward to our future with faith in Him.