It's Not About the Trash

The other day, I took out the trash and I wasn't mad about it. I know, that doesn't sound too exciting or eventful, but I had a significant realization when that happened. Let me give you a little back story.

When we first moved to Ohio for my husband to attend graduate school, we had unofficial chore assignments. The first was that whoever cooked dinner didn't have to do the dishes. The second was that my husband was in charge of taking out the trash. He would also help me with other household chores as I asked, and he was always willing and happy to help.

A few weeks into his program, he was stressed beyond belief. He came home every day asking me "What have I gotten myself into?" He would eat dinner with us then want to get straight to studying. I saw how overwhelmed he was and we made the agreement that, if he would give us two hours of time with him a day, he would be free of his dish duty. All I asked was that he came home, enjoyed dinner with us, spent some quality time with the kids, helped me get them to bed and then he would be free to focus on his studies.

The system worked well and everyone was happy. For some reason, we still agreed that he was to be in charge of trash duty.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into over a year and we moved into a different house. We were expecting our third baby and needed a little more space. Our system stayed in place and there were times here and there that the trash would get so full that I couldn't handle it anymore and I would take it out, but not without having a lot of angry and resentful thoughts.

Finally, a few months after our third was born and I was up to my eyeballs in stress, postpartum depression and sleep deprivation I expressed my frustration. "You have ONE job!" I told him. "I don't ask you to do anything else, all I ask is that you take out the trash."

It didn't go over well.

You see, we have a very non-confrontational relationship. I consider that a blessing! For the most part we love each other much more than we are frustrated with each other, and when we are frustrated we usually just get over it. Neither of us like to argue. In fact, we have only had one real fight in our six plus years of marriage and I will totally admit that it was my fault and I was being completely selfish.

If we are annoyed with one another, we totally ignore the "Never go to bed angry" advice we received as newlyweds and just go to bed. Most of the time, once we have slept, the problem has faded from our memories and we are back to the happy and loving state we normally enjoy. So, this moment of weakness and frustration was a bit rough.

I apologized, but the sting was still there. Over time, it faded and we moved on; and over that same amount of time, I began to work on myself. I started to exercise, eat right, study my scriptures, pray with sincerity, read books that taught me how to more fully access the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I began to change. I began to love myself again. I began to develop a broader perspective of what is important in this life.

Then, just a few days ago, I saw that the trash was full. I took it out, came back in, and as I washed my hands I realized that all of those previous thoughts and feelings of resentment were non-existent. I was happy to serve my husband. I was happy to be doing the jobs that come with being a stay at home mother.

And even more than that, my eyes were opened to how mine and my husband's relationship has evolved over the past seven months. As I have learned how to love myself more, I have been much more open and accepting of his love. As I have served myself, I have gained a greater capacity to serve him.

And the greatest miracle of it all, is that he, in turn, has grown in his capacity to serve and love me. He probably doesn't realize it, but I have noticed that he has been doing more and more little things to serve me. He woke up early yesterday, on a Saturday, to clean the house and to let me sleep in. He has taken out the trash without me asking. He has done the dishes and started loads of laundry. He has always been good about taking care of me and the children, but he has done so even more in the past couple of months.

I didn't go into this process in the hopes that I would change him, it has just happened naturally. When you feel loved and appreciated, it's easier to express and show reciprocal love and appreciation. When you feel supported you are better able to lend support. When you love yourself, you are better able to receive love.

Our relationship is at an all-time high. Are we perfect? Far from it. Are we trying? Absolutely! Because I have allowed myself to take some time for myself and to learn to love myself again, not only have I changed, but my husband has changed and my children have changed. It is not at all about the trash. It is all about the change.