Little Thoughts, Big Problem

For several days, beginning last weekend, I was at a severe low. I kept expecting to wake up and feel differently each new day, but I couldn't shake the darkness. I continued with my scripture study and personal prayer, I did all of the things "necessary" to dispel the darkness and to invite the Light of Christ. Nothing quite seemed to help.

Finally, two days ago, I asked Cameron to give me a Priesthood blessing. It was a beautiful blessing and as soon as he was finished it was as if I had shed a large and heavy cloak and was basking in the warmth of sunshine again. The peace and comfort of the blessing was immediate and the Light of Christ came back in full force into my heart and soul. I felt like a completely different person.

Last night, I explained to my husband that when I am feeling dark and depressed, it's not quite like being possessed, but it definitely feels like Satan and his minions have a great hold over me. As soon as I receive the inspiration, blessing, guidance or light and knowledge the Lord desires to give me, depending on the circumstances, I feel empowered and better able to resist the power of Satan. I feel a renewed sense of purpose and drive and I regain my determination to push forward and to grow and develop spiritually.

Cameron has also been struggling with a darkness of his own lately. He is now halfway finished with his clinical rotations and still doesn't quite feel like he "gets it." He often gets discouraged and feels that he is not as smart or successful as his fellow physician assistant students. When he really takes a step back and looks at all that he has accomplished he is buoyed up and feels more hope, but sometimes that hope is fleeting and he falls back down into his discouragement.

We both look at the other and wonder at how the opposite can question their worth, ability, success and progress. I can clearly see how much he has changed and grown through this process. I have no doubt he will excel and make a great physician assistant. I know he cannot fail, especially since he is doing all that he can to succeed and is completely relying on the Lord. And , on the opposite side, he can see how much I have changed physically and especially emotionally. He can see the lives I am changing and how much peace I have gained within myself and have brought into our home.

He asked the question "So, Satan has no power over us unless we grant him that power. How do you think we are doing that?" I thought it was a great question and honestly had no idea how to answer. I felt like we were both doing the "check list" of righteous behaviors, we were relying on the Lord and each other, we were making great strides toward our individual and collective goals. So what were we doing to allow Satan to have such great power over us?

After some pondering, Cameron said "I think it's the little negative thoughts we allow ourselves to think, like 'I'm not good enough. I'm not skinny enough. I will never succeed. I will never measure up.' As we allow ourselves to accept those thoughts and internalize them, we give power to the adversary. We allow him to enter our thoughts and to consume us." He continued "I believe if, when we think those thoughts, we immediately repent and say 'Father, I am sorry I thought that about myself. Please forgive me and help me to think kind and uplifting thoughts about myself and others.' that we will deny the power of the adversary and accept the power of the Atonement and love of Jesus Christ."

I knew in that instant that what my husband had said was true. I was allowing the power of the adversary to thwart my goals and to inhibit my ability to recognize my achievements and successes. I had been granting him power over me as I looked in the mirror and critiqued myself, or as I approached my different business opportunities and felt discouraged and hopeless, or as I evaluated my goals and thought "You will never get there." I was doing so many good and righteous things, but I was letting the prince of darkness into my thoughts. That was my stumbling block. He was cutting off the flow of light and peace, and by so doing was dragging me down into darkness and despair.

I have only been putting this new action into practice for a couple of weeks, but I feel a great strength and power against the adversary. I still have discouraging and negative thoughts in my head, but when I think them I offer up a simple prayer and ask the Lord to both forgive me and to help me not think such dark things about myself. It has helped tremendously!

I think so many of us get lost in the hustle and bustle of things. We do what we are asked, we obey the commandments, we try to live the Gospel to the best of our ability, and yet we feel a lack of joy. I have wondered why this is for me, and now I think I am beginning to understand. It's so easy to give little pieces of ourselves to Satan without even recognizing it. He is clever and will scheme his way into our hearts and minds without us even knowing it, but now I know one of his tricks for me and I know how to better combat it. He will not triumph. I will.