A Little About Me

*Quick note: I wrote this post almost a week ago, but I was afraid to share it. I never quite know the reaction I will get from those who read. I feel that today is the day to post this. I have prayed about it and feel that it is meant to help someone feel that they are not alone. I may not know what you are personally going through, but I do know that there is always someone there to ease your burden. It is never too late to ask for His help and I pray that you can feel His love for you when you read my posts.*

I have something to tell you and maybe you already knew, but I struggle with depression. I mean I really struggle with depression. I have had many mornings when getting out of bed is one of the hardest parts of my day. I have gone to bed many nights, wishing that I could sleep forever.

Today is super hard.

My eyes are filled with tears as I write this because it is hard to be so vulnerable, so open. I cry because I feel like I am about to be swallowed up in the depths of despair. I feel I will never feel joy again.

Now, this isn't my first roller coaster ride. I have hit this low before and I know that I will make it through. I know that my husband will come home and help me to feel better. I know that I will make it through the day and that tomorrow I will wake up and begin again. I know that I will experience joy and happiness and that I will go through a series of happy days and wonder how I could ever feel so sad about this beautiful life I live.

But with all of that being said, today is just a sad day. Yesterday was a sad day too.

I also feel a little raw. I am still progressing through that book I told you about in this post, and going through this process is difficult. You are forced to ask yourself hard questions like "How far are you willing to submit in all things that He might see fit to 'inflict' upon you?" I mean, I don't even know how to answer that!

In times of despair I often cry out "How much more do you expect me to bear? How much further are you going to push me before I break?" I naturally want to turn to food to help me "solve" my problems, but that is a huge part of me I am trying to change. I am trying to turn to the Lord in these moments of despair, not to food. It is helping. I am changing. But that doesn't mean that it is easy.

I love Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's inspiring words regarding this struggle: "Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." (Holland, Jeffrey R. "Like a Broken Vessel." Web. 03 Feb. 2016.)

I know that I will make it through today and that the Lord will make up the difference. I know if I continue to pray to Him and rely upon Him it will all be okay. This life isn't meant to be easy, but I keep finding that the harder it is and the more that I rely upon Him, the more I become the person He intends me to be.

If you would like to watch the entire talk by Elder Holland, click here.