I Am Living My Dream

The other night, the kids were running crazy around the house. That's the norm in our home from the moment dinner ends to the moment we lay them in bed (and often up to two hours after). It's chaos. Amid the chaos, I had somehow sequestered Lucy to the bathroom and was combing through her freshly washed hair. In that moment the thought came to my mind "I am living my dream!"

Adjusting to three kids has been tough, to say the least. We constantly have melt downs, crying fits, bickering, hitting, screaming and tattling. My kids push and bite each other and I sometimes want to set my chompers into them as well. There are times that I want to pull my hair out and say "I quit! I am moving to Belize! Good luck pulling your pants up by yourself!"

I dream about the days that they are grown up and on their own and I can be myself again. I obsess over the idea of taking a weeklong vacation with the love of my life and abandoning them on the front door of my parents' home. I look at mothers of older children and think how nice it would be to not have to arrange schedules around nap time and dinner time and having to breast pump whenever we want to get away.

But the other day, it was crazy and these little people were running ragged around our tiny little home and I was in pure bliss. I was combing the long curly hair of a person that I grew inside of my body. I snuggled and kissed my first born and held him because he still loves to be cradled like a baby. I nursed my youngest and looked at her clear blue eyes and long dark eyelashes and wondered at the beauty of motherhood.

I have literally waited my entire life to be exactly where I am today. As with all dreams, it didn't turn out exactly as planned and it's much harder than I expected, but I made it. I have achieved my lifelong goal of being a mother and it's much more rich, fulfilling, overwhelming, and wonderful than I could have ever hoped.

I still wonder every moment if I am spoiling my kids rotten or if I am being too hard on them. I doubt myself and second guess my pre-planned parenting strategies. I sometimes get lost in the mix and forget to take care of myself and my husband. Suffice it to say, I am FAR from perfect, but I am perfectly happy. And that's enough for me!