I Quit!

For the past few days, I have kind of been a mess. I have actually done very well with eating healthy and exercise, but this whole "parenting" thing has kind of rocked my boat. My husband came home last night and the first thing I said to him when he walked in the door was "I quit!" I honestly just wanted to quit, because I felt like all of my efforts have been for nothing. I sent a text to my sister to see if she would move to Belize with me....... she said yes.

I have spent the last several days trying my darnedest to be patient, loving and kind to my children. I have exercised self-restraint and have not yelled or lashed out at them. For the first couple of days, they were actually better. They listened more. They were more kind and polite. Heck, they even played with each other without screaming every two seconds. The fruits of my labor were immediately rewarded, but then they turned back into the little toddlers they are.

I sometimes just feel like I am constantly beating my head against a wall, trying to figure out why my head hurts. I keep banging and banging, thinking that maybe one of these times something will change. I am waiting for the light bulb to flash on and to have all of the answers to my parenting questions fall at my feet. Believe me when I say the desire to change is there! I really do want to be a better parent. I really don't want to disdain the toddler age. I really want to find joy in my parenting, but I am also human.

I have found that children are both life's greatest joy and greatest trial. I never could imagine that someone I loved so much could put me through the ringer as much as they do. I didn't realize that I could experience such a broad spectrum of emotions for such a small individual. I feel everything for them. I want them to understand why I expect certain things out of them, but also encourage them to live life and enjoy their precious and innocent experiences.

I think I just sometimes get lost in the fog of "doing it all." I want to be the perfect parent that provides the perfect childhood for my children. I understand that this is not possible, so now the trick is learning to let it all go. That is part of my prayer throughout my day "Please help me to let this go." Every time I offer up that prayer, it's as if a breath of air is pushed through me and I suddely feel lighter. Every time!

In fact, that's my favorite part of my evening prayers because I essentially lay it all at my Savior's feet, and ask for Him to take it for me. I ask that He will guide me in all decisions and actions. I pray that I can heed the spiritual nature in me more than the "natural woman"

nature in me. I ask for Him to help me let it go, and as soon as I ask, it's done and gone. I rarely struggle to fall asleep at night now.

My husband read me this quote the other day by Gordon B. Hinckley, and it nearly brought me to tears. He said "It isn't as bad as you think it is. It will all work out." I always loved his simple optimism regarding life and the truth of those simple words is as true as anything in the world. Nothing really is as bad as I think. It will all work out. It will. As long as I keep trying, keep striving to be better and improve myself "line upon line," I will get to where I am going.

I will never quit. I will never give up. That's not the solution, turning to my Savior is. He will help me to learn how to stop beating my head against that wall and show me the better way. He will take it from me and guide me, as I ask.